News Marching In. Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme...
...sacred savories at stake in the great Spice Wars...
...as rebel forces, led by Captain Murphy...
Hey, check it out. Captain Murphy is on the news again.
God, I hope he's okay.
Speaking of captains, I wonder when they're gonna send us a replacement.
Now, that's some leather popping.
Head on a swivel, you're shooting them hips, and you're popping. All right!
- What? - Breakdown!
- Who are you? - Tornado Shanks.
I coach football and teach health and hygiene.
Yeah, but what are you doing here?
Slapped a kid. Well, more like punched him in the throat.
But short story shorter, school board fired my ass...
...and so I answered y'all's ad in the paper.
That ad was for a line officer with 10 years of command experience...
...at an underwater research facility.
- Breakdown! - Obviously, there's been a misunderstanding.
The last thing we need around here is a football coach.
Well, missy, say it's third and four in the red zone...
...and you're looking at a five-three weak side stack with backers showing blitz.
Do you option or fake a 32 dive and hit the slotback?
Neither. Exactly. Forty-four crossbuck.
And that's why you need a coach, and that's why I'm him.
- Well, then can I be head cheerleader? - No. There's no football team.
Quit oppressing her. Honey, you just cheer your pretty little head off.
Because I cheered in high school, but I wasn't, you know, squad leader.
- Look, what is it, "Shanks"? - I went to Norfolk High.
- This is a research-- - Wait. Ready?
We don't drink and we don't smoke Norfolk, Norfolk
That's the spirit. Now, go get some pom-poms and lollipops.
- We don't drink and we don't smoke... - Oh, son, I can smell it.
We're gonna have a great football team this year.
No, we're not, because nobody here is dumb enough to play football for you.
- Ready to play football for you, sir. - Breakdown.
That's it, I'm calling security.
Hellfire, that reminds me.
- Former security guards reporting, sir! - Oh, man.
Breakdown.
Damn straight. Because fundamentals win ball games.
I can't feel my feet.
Like in football, there's fundamentals in health and hygiene.
For example, this here's the plumbing inside a woman.
Now, does anybody in here wanna be a "gynecolologist"?
Ain't no reason to learn it. In fact, football team's excused.
Hit them sleds till you puke, then I'll be down there for skelly drill.
Son, I know you don't want to sit in here...
...and look at fallopian tubes any more than I do.
And you don't have to, if you just suit up and play ball for me.
That's ridiculous. I'm a scientist.
Well, hell, quarterbacking is a science.
Get, I don't know, Sparks.
Please be still. I have to screw these bolts in very, very tightly.
Oops, pierced the brain.
I'll just back that out.
Damn it! You f****** asshole!
Oh, really?
Well, what about Hesh?
Go, team! Come on, defense!
Hip hip hooray! Daddy Mack will make you jump, jump!
Now, look, son, we could sit here and set up sight gags till the cows come home.
But I need a QB to anchor my team.
- Well, seek and ye shall find, baby. - Debbie?
Darling, maybe you'd be happier in a cheerleading capacity.
I'd be happier if you scrap that tired-ass box formation.
- The box is a proven winner. - Yeah, back in the '40s.
And into the early '50s.
Honey, you got to go pro set with the trips wide if I'm gonna run-and-gun.
Run-and-gun? Sugar, can you even throw that thing?
How you think I won the Heisman Trophy?
Wait, you're Heisman-Trophy-winner Debbie Love?
- Last time I checked. - Well, welcome aboard, darling.
No, I just meant it's lucky that you already have a chair, with wheels.
Yeah. Now, go to hell.
- Would a cheer cheer you up? - Go to hell.
Ready? Okay! Lean to the left! Lean to the right!
I can't lean, you stupid bitch.
Well, excuse me for having some spirit.
- What are you wearing? - It's to keep my head perfectly still.
- No, you. - I know, it's totally hot, right?
Has everybody gone crazy?
This is a research station, not some stupid football pep rally thing.
The pep rally.
Could you scratch my nose, please?
No.
Peel your banana and take a bite!
Quiet down. Quiet down.
Now, thanks to Heisman-Trophy-winner Debbie Love...
...we got us a powerful new pro-set offense.
Inexplicably, after just three days of practice...
...y'all are a great football team.
Seriously, though, knock off that damn barking.
Now, this right here is why I've been driving y'all so hard.
The Marianas Trench Prison for criminally insane robots.
- Ooh, child. - Holy Jesus.
Robots so evil and deadly...
...they were banished to the deepest spot on earth.
- We're not playing them, are we? - No, we're playing the guards.
Holy Jesus!
Hazen, the warden over there, thinks he's got hisself a football team.
And they've challenged us to a game.
Sealab, we are going to destroy you.
So who's ready to play those robot prison football guards?
Well, Heisman-Trophy-winner Debbie Love...
...don't take that sort of trash talk from some giant, killer robot...
...with laser beam eyes and tank treads for feet.
Now, who's with me?
I say, can I get a tight end?
Good, because they're on their way over.
Pipe down. We're almost there. Let's get those game faces on, people.
- How's this, coach? - Figure of speech, Jamie.
- Hip hip hooray! Go, team! - Wait for my cadence.
- Come on, defense! - I'm head cheerleader.
And I don't know how they're gonna play like that.
Who is grabbing my ass back there?
- Is it me? - I don't know. Do that again.
- What, that? - Yes. Now, keep doing it.
- Knock off the grab-ass, Waters. - Ilike it.
Rub, rub, rub my robot ass.
- Hazen. - Shanks.
All right then, let's play some ball.
How are we supposed to play like this?
Son, that's why we got the shrink ray.
- Hang on, robots. - Hang on, men!
- I'm tingling. - I can't feel my pee-pee.
- Holy bejesus! - Yeah, we're pretty small.
- All right, now, if we win the toss-- - Crush formation right. Affirmative.
- They're twice as big as us. - Can't we shrink them down a little more?
No, the shrink ray-- Everything shrinks the same relative size.
- Something about science or atoms-- - You better get a grip.
Heisman-Trophy-winner Debbie Love ain't about getting her neck broke. You feel me?
- I'm not playing if Debbie's not. - Line up for kickoff.
- No way am I playing this game. - No, no!
We're not seeing that happening.
Well, men, it breaks my heart to bring this up...
...but that damn robot coach, Hazen, he murdered my parents.
- What? - Right in front of my eyes.
- Do you need a hug? - So it was either become Batman...
...or a football coach who would one day lead a ragtag bunch of heroes...
...to victory against their killer, who also happened to be a football coach.
So if you can't do it for me, if you can't even do it for yourselves...
...then for God's sake, do it for my dead-ass murdered parents.
- Come on, y'all. - Yeah!
Get them. Here we come, here we come, here we come!
- Malfunction. Malfunction. - What in the--?
Reverse shrink ray.
- What in Sam Hill are you doing? - Playing this fascinating game.
The tiny players mimic the movement of isotopes...
...in a weak magnetic field simply by applying electricity.
Would you turn that thing off?
Malfunction.
- Everybody okay? - Yeah, I'm good.
Okay, then, let's whup some ass, babies!
- Excuse me. - Get out of here, you damn parent-killer.
Man, did he say that?
He makes something up like that every game, you know that?
I know you ain't calling Tornado Shanks a liar.
One time, he said I raped his parents. Another time, he said I killed his dog.
And one time he said I made his dog rape his parents.
- Wait. Why should we believe you? - Well, don't take my word for it.
Howdy. We're Mr. and Mrs. Tornado Shanks, Sr.
This here is our dog, Shep, and he wouldn't rape a flea.
Would you, boy?
Our little Tornado likes to, well, stretch the truth.
We're trying to play a football game here. Go stick your nose in a bucket, sissy.
Who you calling a sissy?
Any man who don't go out for the football team is a big, fat sissy.
- Sissy! Fat sissy! - Run! Back to the lab! He's gonna kill us all!
Reverse, shrink ray! Reverse!
I said, you're the biggest, fattest, sissiest sissy-pants...
...that ever sissied at the big, fat sissy pickers' ball.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, thank heaven we made it.
What are y'all doing regular size? Get back down there and play ball.
- Your stupid foot crushed everybody. - They're dead.
And you got some explaining to do, coach fibby man.
Whoa, wait. All the robots are dead?
- And a bunch of our guys. - And your parents.
- But for sure the robots? - Yes.
That means they forfeit.
We're undefeated.
I am so proud, I-- Shoot, I'm choking up.
Well, do it on the way out. I'm relieving you of your command...
...and I want you off my research station.
Well, I'd sure like to oblige you, but I've got a damn contract.
What are you talking about?
I'm your new captain, and I'm here to stay.
So all of y'all best get your heads around that little piece of cheese right now.
And I realize a lot of y'all ain't gonna like the way I do things.
Sure as shooting right, when I walk out of here...
...y'all be mincing back to your chat rooms and message boards...
...and sissified little blogs, just crying and bellyaching...
...about how you don't like your new captain.
And to that, I just got one thing to say:
You don't like me, fine.
Watch anime.
Y'all ready for this?
[ENGLISH]